I’ve never really posted here, mostly because law school has got me down for the count. But it’s been weighing on me that I haven’t credited Raymond Carver for his words.
“My life is going to change. I feel it.”
The line is from Carver’s story, “Fat.” It’s short. It’s fantastic. It won’t leave you alone.
There’s a waitress working at a dive who’s stuck in an oppressive relationship. She’s sinking, anchor to ankle. But a brief encounter with a very, very fat customer sticks to her.
Later on, in the oddest of moments, she recites the words I stole. It’s quite clear, though, that her hope is a lost cause and life will proceed. But it’s there, that glimmer.
Every day last semester, I wanted to quit and go home. I never felt like I deserved to be in a room with such brilliant people. I was freaking terrified of letting down everyone I cared about.
Yet I survived, never having felt that “my life is going to change” moment. In the end, I didn’t need it. I had great friends, my family, a wonderful girlfriend, and food trucks.
I chose that line for the blog because it’s beautiful. And because it reminds me of how lucky I am, to never have to pull myself up from a darkness so deep.
The waitress is a soldier. Carver is the master. I bow before both of them.
P.S. Thanks, Jonathan Wilson, for introducing me to Carver and this story.
Here’s Anne Enright reading “Fat”: The Guardian
